What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 09:46
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why is it easy to make money in the USA?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do I want to give up on men?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
This is soul school!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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She found it foreign!.
Comes on , in middle age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I don,t even have a pension.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It was going to be , some day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But, we were locked up after school.
Do you consider masturbating to porn cheating if you are married?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What did i know ?
Ive learnt so much.
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I have no regrets .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I will be 64.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was in good health!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I said to her
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He knew the spot.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Who then, do I blame.?
My family never makes their pension either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why did i forgive my father ?
All the time i was locked up.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When she asked me how she looked .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Would this be the day?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were not on the streets..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She loved him until the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I waited trembling.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot live in the past .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So whats the point in blame.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We all went to grammer schools
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I think the readers, may guess!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im still living with it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She married twice! .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She wouldn,t have been !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i lived it daily.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I write beautiful poetry .